Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Thankfully tomorrow I'm gonna be quite busy so I won't start tearing out my hair (yet), I can't imagine what's going to happen Jan/Feb though, last year they went by really slowly. There is our CA trip to look forward to in Feb though!! :D
Anywho, yesterday (Christmas. Weird.), we watched Moulin Rouge because Erin gave it to me. It was so not what I was expecting, REALLY crazy and unlike anything I've ever seen. Some parts were really funny, overdone, extraordinarily weird, and beautiful. They took songs from all over, such as several by Madonna and the Beatles and mixed them all in which was funny, but the whole movie ended up being really sad because it's such a tragedy! It kept ALMOST being too much, but never was and so I really liked it! I want to see it again already hehe. One of my favorite parts has got to be "THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUUUSIC!"
Today was the teen movie night, as I mentioned, and it was a ton of fun because it was basically us and Jessie and Katherine my favorite people, (well, some of 'um anyways :P), so we got to hang out. Jessie and I did our tackling thing we've been planning since the play and I felt ridiculous because I fell down but hey! All for the love, right?! Hehe we must have been so loud standing around yelling and laughing and everything. And the movie (Reign of Fire), was good, I mean with Mathew whathisname, Christian Bale and Gerard Butler it HAD to be! Gerard Butler was of course the absolutely lovable one who died, but Christian Bale was pretty smoken himself. Hehe. And oh yes, the movie did have a story it wasn't just about hot guys. In case you were wondering.
Anyways I guess I will post part of my story since I'm in the mood. I haven't really gone through it all, so you know, but I'm not in love with it. It doesn't seem right. I want my third person back!!!!!!!!!! :'( *wails*
Haha I'm pathetic. :P
Night of the full moon:
Well I have to say, it’s a really good thing I taught myself to read and write, considering now I cannot speak for two years. I know I always try to keep a positive outlook on things, but right now I feel like the world has ended or something. That’s silly, I know, for we did succeed in over throwing my father and making sure his evil spell did not come to pass - but at the same time there’s the grey facts that my 10 brothers are ravens now, and if I speak a word they will all die. You’ve no idea what a frightening feeling it is to know you could slip up at any moment and accidentally kill all of the family you have. I shall have to be on my toes for the next few days, until I get used to it. But I already miss the feeling of words on my tongue, words so powerful at times, and I miss being able to give my opinion, and to comfort.
It’s just Emmy and I in the castle now. It’s so strange to be here, in the place of my birth, when I never expected to return. But the kingdom is in our hands now, and I know we have to take responsibility over the peasants living bellow us. I don’t know if my father ever fulfilled any of his business as he should have, but I’m sure there are things to look to and fix, and I will help Emmy with them. Emmy... Every time I look at her I feel guilty for what we’ve put her through. I never meant to mix her up in all this and now the fariie has saddled her with a responsibility she doesn’t deserve... erg, it makes me a little angry. She’s laughing at me, jabbing my paper with ink in annoyance now, and I wish I could tell her what’s bothering me. We’ve already been talking some, me writing and her answering aloud, but it feels strange and wrong, and I would like to give that beautiful fariie a piece of my mind. Somehow I know that would be a really bad idea though.
I’m not just mad at the fariie’s, for perhaps they were only doing their job, but mostly at myself. If I had but trusted Zara, as she’d told me to so many times, we never would have attacked last night and perhaps the fariies would not have had to come and now my brothers would not be Ravens. Stesha would be across from me, by the fire, with his arm around Emmy’s shoulders, and I would be trying not to be jealous. Mattew would never have betrayed us, and he’d be teaching me the flute just like in the old days, while Kadin watches with a small smile, and Damek... Damek would be in the corner practicing his sword fighting and being just as ornery and unsociable as usual. Oh there, I’ve gone and made myself cry. Stupid.
I’ve decided I must keep this book and write everything that happens, for now that I cannot speak I shall certainly need some way to get my feelings out. Emmy was actually the one who suggested it, yesterday night when I was pacing around like a caged in bear. That’s kind of what I feel like, really, an animal, trapped. The only part of me that actually is is my tongue of course, and I suppose I could do to learn the virtues of silence. I never was a big fan of virtues. So now Emmy and I are sitting in my fathers library - my library now I guess. It feels so very strange to be here and I miss the strange coziness of the mountain, but that will be one of the things Emmy and I fix right away.
My hand is already tired from writing and I haven’t even started telling the events of yesterday yet. I shall have to practice being more focused, but knowing me, it’s not really going to happen anytime soon. I can hardly remember what happened from the moment my father grabbed me the first time until he was gone. It’s like someone took a giant rain cloud and shook it over my memory, making it all blurry and blocky. I do remember the moment I realized I had made a terrible mistake, a mistake that had caused my brothers their humanness. And I remember Zara’s face when she heard what the fariie’s punishment was to be. That’s what puzzles me, for I do not understand why she wouldn’t have just been happy she had gotten away unscathed. She looked horrified though, and I can’t figure out why. My brain keeps going in circles and sometimes I just want it to stop already. If I could speak I would be ranting to Emmy about it. Maybe it’s a good thing I can’t.
When Zara had disappeared yesterday, Emmy and I were left standing in the middle of the hall, completely bewildered and in shock I think. I don’t remember what we did for the next few minutes, but I think we simply held on to each other, crying a little. My brothers were perched on the rafters above, and at first I could hardly bring myself to look at them. Emmy was different then me though, and when we’d recovered ourselves a little, she went over to the bunch of them and started making odd sounds, almost as if she was talking to them. I wanted to ask her if they understood her, but she must have sensed my question and spoke, without turning from them.
“You know how I am with birds. I wonder if they can understand human speech still.” I came up behind her and put out a hand, waiting to see if one of them would land on me.
“Stesha,” she said softly, her voice catching a little. I glanced over and winced, seeing the pain in her eyes. None of the birds flew forward, and she shook her head. “Maybe they can’t, then. They came to you before but perhaps their ability to understand us has worn off.” I nodded, biting my lip, and made a small noise as sudden pain shot through my arm. Emmy turned to me with alarm, and looked down in the direction I was staring at. I’d forgotten completely about my father cutting me, but the wound was still bleeding a little and if I’d somehow been blocking the pain before I’d lost that talent. I felt a little nauseous as the image of him lifting my blood to his lips flashed across my mind and swayed. Emmy looked just as pale as me, but she grabbed my shoulder gently, saying firmly, “we should take care of that.” Suddenly, we both heard one of the birds cawing, but it sounded strange, almost as if they were sick, and we looked around, forgetting my arm immediately. Emmy made a little cheeping sound, and the cry came again, but it didn’t sound like it come from above, but below! I glanced over my shoulder and my heart practically stopped, as I spotted something lying just a few feet away on the cold stone ground. It was a Raven, practically drowning in a pool of blood, and it was lying on it’s side looking very hurt. I grabbed Emmy’s arm, fighting down the urge to yell, and pointed. She made a small gasping noice as she saw it, and then she was kneeling down beside it, and without hesitating picked it up from the pool of blood and cradled it gently. I stayed back, fighting with myself. It knew it must have been Mattew, and I felt strangely happy that he was alive after all, for I’d thought him dead as soon as my father had plunged that knife into him. I did not know if he deserved to live though, after what he had done.
“You think it’s Mattew?” Emmy said, still kneeling on the floor, and I nodded. Her brows furrowed. “Do you think we should help him?” I stayed where I was, biting my lip, thoughts spinning through my head. If he had not betrayed us our plan might have worked and we would all be alive and well now, in fact, all of this was really his fault. I thought of the kindness he had shown me when Stesha and Kadin were not around, and shook my head. I couldn’t believe he had done this to us. Surely he hadn’t really been stupid enough to think that our father would let us go, after taking my blood? Perhaps his kindness had only been an act, to get me to trust him. I clenched my jaw, suddenly angry. “You would leave him to die, then?” Emmy said softly, looking at my face intently. I looked down at the bird in her hands. It was still cawing softly, it’s cries growing fainter and fainter, and I knew if we did not do something to help him he would surely die. I wanted to be angry, wanted to hate him, but some little thing inside me wouldn’t let me and I let out my breath in defeat, and shook my head. Emmy smiled, understanding in her eyes. “I didn’t think so.”
I came over, then, and knelt beside her, putting out my hand to touch Mattews wet feathers. I wanted to ask Emmy if we could save him, but she seemed to understand and started monologuing, as she stood. “I don’t know if it will do any good, but I’m just glad I’ve had experience with hurt birds. If that knife was poisoned our efforts will be wasted though,” she walked down the hall carefully, poking her head into my fathers study and I stepped back, almost expecting him to be there, leering and angry as usual. He wasn’t of course, and I told myself to stop being so paranoid. Emmy went in the room, placing the raven very carefully down on one of the tables, which were clearer then they had been last time I’d seen them. There was just one covered with strange objects, white roses and goblets and that same frightening mask I’d seen so long ago. Emmy frowned, seeing it, and spoke without thinking. “What’s with all the roses?” she glanced at me when I did not reply, but then remembered and pressed her lips together, wincing. “Sorry.” She turned back to the bird, and I came over and watched, feeling helpless, as she carefully cleaned his feathers as best she could and searched his side for the wound. It was remarkably small, considering the size it must have been when he was human, and I wondered if the fariies had done something to make it less severe then it had been. “We’ll have to sew it up and hope it doesn’t get infected or isn’t already poisoned,” she said gravely. I nodded and then looked around the room quickly for a piece of paper and pen, writing on it when I’d found one ‘needle.’ She gave me a questioning look but I held up a hand with a little smile and then turned and ran from the room. I knew exactly where I would find one, but when I arrived in my bedroom doorway my eyes widened at the scene before me. My bed was torn apart, the curtains I had made for it ripped to shreds, and my desk on it’s side on the floor. My things were scattered all across the room, as if a wind storm had come tearing through, and the tapestry I had made myself was slashed to pieces on the wall, as if someone had been yielding a knife in anger.
“You really weren’t kidding about the killing part,” a voice said from behind me, and I jumped and spun around, only to see Emmy peering around my shoulder. “This is your room?” I nodded, biting my lip and feeling incredibly thankful that I hadn’t been here the night when this must have taken place. I suddenly laughed, thinking how angry my father must have been when he discovered me gone. Oh, sweet victory. Though nothing else good has come out of this, at least there is that. We won, he didn’t. So there.
I stepped forward and knelt on the floor, running my hands on the ground in search of a needle and some strong, thin twin. Come on, I know you’re here somewhere, I thought, feeling a little evil. No such things popped up though, and my eyes narrowed as I grew suddenly angry. What right did my father have to destroy my room just because he was annoyed I wasn’t there? Really?!! I stood up, righting my desk suddenly and opening the drawer, but it was empty just as I’d known it would be, and I slammed it shut. Emmy suddenly put her hand on my arm and I jerked towards her, eyes still narrowed in anger. She held up a needle, laughing softly, and I rolled my eyes and let out my breath in a sheepish laugh. “Better watch that temper of yours,” she said sarcastically. It comes with the hair, silly, I thought, wishing I could say it aloud. “We’d better hurry,” her eyes turned serious, “I don’t know how long he has.” I nodded, suddenly feeling exhausted, and quickly glanced at the floor to find some string, and candles. It was dark in the castle and I kept feeling a little spooked, something I didn’t particularly enjoy, obviously. We found what we needed in but a few moments, and I tried to light the candles while we walked, hurrying back to the study where we’d left Mattew. I suddenly wondered if he could have flown away in the time we’d been gone, or if all of them could, and shot ahead with sudden alarm. Emmy called out but I didn’t stop till I’d arrived back at the study, where all of the birds were now, clustered around Mattew who lay very still on the table. I don’t know whether they would have normally attacked him, seeing he was hurt and everything, but they were all simply perched a few feet away, looking at him. Emmy ran to him and placed him on a pillow she’d grabbed from my room, whispering. “Quick the candles. He’ll need as much warmth as he can get.” I quickly put them around him in a circle, refusing to let myself think about who the bird really was. We had to concentrate on saving him then, I knew. Emmy held out her hand for the needle and thread and I gave them to her, holding my breath as she carefully threaded it and pulled back his feathers so she could see the wound. “Hold them for me,” she whispered, a tiny bit of fear in her voice, and without hesitating I reached forward and grabbed them gently. The bird wasn’t moving, and I wondered if he was even still alive. I held my breath as she gently began to sew, going very, very slowly. “I could damage him so easily,” she said softly, explaining, and the sound of her voice filling the air made me feel a little better. “You know birds bones are hollow. Everything in them is so tiny and delicate.” Hush now, I thought, biting my lip, don’t force yourself to talk just for me. I can handle it. Concentrate.
In a moment she had finished, and broke the end bit of string off carefully. Our eyes met, and I saw how worried she was for him. I wanted to ask what we should do now, but she turned away and rubbed her eyes, and I realized how tired she must be. I looked around the room again in search of paper, and when I’d found it, wrote: ‘Is there anything else we can do?’ she frowned, thinking, then finally shook her head. “I don’t think so. Except perhaps wash him, but I’m afraid of making him too cold...”
‘I’ll do it,’ I wrote, ‘you have to get some rest.’
“I can’t possibly sleep,” she shook her head, but her face betrayed her and I new she couldn’t stay awake for much longer. ‘You have to,’ I wrote, annoyed at myself for not being able to write any faster, ‘don’t worry. I’ll take care of him.’ Finally, she agreed, and I got her to lay down in the library, where I also lit a fire and brought Mattew to. The rest of the birds followed me there, strangely enough, and that was where we camped out for the night. That’s where we still are, now, but the fire is dying and neither of us have quite recovered from yesterdays events. I’ve never written so much in my life and my hand is killing me, but I suppose I’ll get used to it. I must sleep now though, for tomorrow we’ve decided to start making the castle our own and see what needs to be looked to. I shall have to finish writing about last night then, too. My hand is screaming at me for even thinking about it. It’s going to have to get over it though, for I do not think I can survive without letting all this out, somehow.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Christmas eve has got to be one of my favorite nights of the year. Maybe even my most favorite. We've been going to our relatives party at my aunts for probably ten years, but it gets better every time. Today I sang at mass before hand which all the family came to, even Grandma and Grandpa although they ALWAYS go to the four o'clock. They came for a while just to hear me sing. I was nervous but the mass ended up going super well and being lots of fun!! I'm VERY glad I did it, if I hadn't I may have been completely bored, and you all know what kind of mischief I can get into then! :P
Afterwards we went to my aunts, where of course we talked and laughed and ate for awhile. Then came caroling time, we have to carol to get to the presents, as Aunt Sandy said. Usually Sam, my youngest cousin, takes over the carols being seven and hyper you know, but he was no where to be seen today so we got to sing in peace. It was rather hilarious because we'd forgotten the song books so we had to remember the words and since my family sings so much everyone was kind of humming and pointing at us. Haha. We sang a lot of first versus. They made me sing Oh Holy Night by myself again since I'd sang it at mass. I hate being put on the spot, but it was actually kind of fun and I know I made my grandparents happy. Something really amazing happened in that we remembered all the verses to The Twelve days of Christmas!! :O
Then presents, we have a whole system going with our aunts family's and I got this cute red shirt so I have something to wear tomorrow! And my grandma gave two of my cousins stuff made by Leah's mom which was pretty cool!
I should be going to bed pretty soon after I read Katie's Annora post. The presents are all under the tree, a nice tantalizing pile, and I'm hoping I won't fail to sleep like I have every single year. Could I at least wake up at eight instead of six or seven? Please? PLEASE?!
Haha. Good times. :)
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!! <333333333333333>
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
I know you guys must be really confused, and I'd like to tell you everything, but it's really, really personal and doesn't just involve me, so I don't feel comfortable with it. I'll say though, that the person I based Mike's character on in RFTS, has not turned out to be the person I used to think he was. I'm trying not to feel terribly guilty about everything because half of it's my fault, but my sisters keep telling me I can't let myself feel like that. It's really hard though. I may be better, but I'm still confused. And I guess I will be for awhile.
I'm hoping most of this will blow over before Christmas (next week. Yes.), but who knows, we haven't even told Dad yet so I dunno what's going to happen. I'm determined to have a good Christmas anyway though, now that I can think slightly clearly and not through a foggy, depressed, emotional haze. I'm really, really grateful for my sisters now though, especially Emily, and SO glad we can finally be a little closer after so many years of distance. Emily has really been there for me, dealing with all of this, and I think I can honestly say I don't regret telling her. She keeps thinking I'm going to hate her because she said we had to tell the parents, but I don't at all. Clearly, I needed help. I'm just sorry I didn't figure it out earlier.
I'm also sorry that this is going to make NO sense at all to you people, but I just need to write. Don't freak out or anything, nothing really bad happened. It's just complicated.
So now I'm going to totally slack off on school and just work on Christmas presents. My favorite thing to do!! Haha. Tonight I have the teen music practice for Christmas Eve, which should be fun because Sarah and Emily (not my sisters, the other girls), are very awesome. They both have red shoes for the service and I don't, so they promised they would buy me some. Haha. I wish.
And unless writing Non-fiction counts, I broke my goal yesterday. But you know what? I say it counts! So there! :P
Gotta go work. I can honestly say I'm happy right now. Thank you God. :)
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Well, it looks like Christmas is going to be a lot more complicated, confusing and stressful then I thought it was going to be.
I'm very mixed up.
But the good thing is, I finally know who my older sister is.
And I'm very glad about that.
My family is so screwed up.
Now I have to work on christmas presents and I haven't even written yet today. Whee. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm really happy.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
I have a sneaky feeling though that what I meant when I made that goal was FICTION. Dang. Fiction. Well, today I went to the north pole as a stow away on Santa's sleigh and discovered he wasn't jolly and nice but a slave driver who was making kids slave for him in icy conditions! I was discovered by one of the lead elf's but he agreed to keep me a secret, even though I was endangering his life, and together we tried to come up with a plan to free the 'elf's', who were of course just children forced to make all Santa's toys. It was the children who did all the work, and although he was nasty they didn't want to stop because of all the disappointed children there would be in the world. The problem was Santa himself, of course, but Sam and I figured out a way to get rid of him and we did so, and of course now I'm writing this from the pole, where I've decided to stay and help all the elves with their work which they've kept up with despite all the commotion. Sam and I will deliver the gifts on Christmas eve of course. I'm quite happy.
Oh, and did I mention he's cute? Yeah, he's kind of adorable. And I think he likes me. Yay. We'll be the Santa replacements. We need a name... hmm the secret Santa's? We're the secret Santa's running the five golden rings operation. Ooh, I like how that sounds. Yes I do. :)
Well. That was fiction. Ahahaha. I'm so odd.
How crazy would it be if I actually wrote that?! I'm slightly tempted. Hmmm... :P
OH! I just got my second Christmas present! YAY!! :D Laura sent Erin and I two well loved books that are supposed to be fabulous and funny, so I'm excited.
And now I have to go write a short comment to Jessie that I've been trying to write ALL DAY but my facebook is being so stupid! Grrrrr. *stabs computer*
Oh did I mention we got the dvd of The Lion, the witch and the wardrobe? Yeah, we're gonna watch it tomorrow. It's going to be so weird to see it!! Eeek.
And I leave you with this precious tid bit. Alvin and the Chipmunks. As Emily did say "I practically pee my pants every time I watch the trailer."
Friday, December 14, 2007
Oh also, I'm lazy. :P
But you know... we'll see how this goes.
I haven't written a blog entry since, like, July, which is really, really crazy. Last time I wrote Joseph had just finished, and so a lot has gone on since then, including an entire show I was in (Mrs. Beaver, yo), and NaNoWriMo my third year, and... other yummies. Now it's almost a week to Christmas which is terribly exciting! We went shopping today and I spent a lot of money that I don't really have. Hehe. I got most of my presents and an early one from dad because I needed a skirt for Christmas eve since I'm singing at the mass and wanted to look nice. We got it from Kohl's and it's this nice knee length black almost silky skirt with polka dotted lace on the bottom and a cute bow. I like it. :P
Now I just have to stress about finishing all my hand made presents, (which is what I should be doing right now, heh.) I have 4 and a half of my ten cards for Grandma done, and then I have to make some for mom and some pretty ribbon-y jewelry for various peoples. Not too bad, but still... the cards take a long time. I often feel happiest when I'm doing stuff like that with my hands though, so that's good. I just listen to music, and snip, snip, snip! :D
Emily's coming home tonight, should be arriving before eight!!! I'm excited for some hang out time with her. And Leah was supposed to come home today, I don't know if she did but most likely, which means I'll actually get to SEE my friends in the coming weeks. That's always nice. We're hopefully getting out Christmas tree tomorrow (hopefully), and we're supposed to have a storm Sunday. Yay! We might actually have a white Christmas for the first time in years!!
Tonight I was procrastinating or something and randomly reading some poems about us girls Dad wrote quite awhile ago. There's this one that practically made me cry, because it's about me. There are actually quite a few about me, hehe. I feel special. :P
Anna has a different kind of mind,
she sometimes struggles where her sister's soar,
beginning reading lessons, first letters,
foundation twinkles on the piano,
they don't come easy to her.
she works, and its determination,
more than anything,
that gets her through.
Yet, on the boardwalk,
(the "twisty bridge" the girls call it)
in through the woods to Saco Heath,
where we admired, in May, the fiddle heads,
silver green, tightly curled, delicate at fronds' end,
and I asked, "why do you think they call them
it is Anna who sees and says
the curl in the head of the violin
and laughs with delight to have discovered it.
It is Anna who reaches back a book in the Narnia series
to guess it is the old professor behind the magician's door...
wrong, as it happens,
an inspired guess none the less,
a leap, with its own logic,
something about the similarity of the setting, the houses, the many doors?
the idea of knowledge as magic?
the suspicion that the professor knows Narnia too well?
some subtle clue in the wording or the working of the story
(he crossed my own mind not a moment before).
There is something indirect as the boardwalk, a twisty bridge, in Anna's mind,
coiled tight as the fiddlehead, dusted silver, opening to filigreed fronds of wonder,
some connection between knowledge and magic,
some subtle working beyond determination to discovery's laugh,
a different kind of mind...
and I want to say,
good for you Anna!
Hang on to that difference,
it will take you places
determination never will.
The thing is, I've struggled a lot with that (he didn't make it up ;)). With feeling more stupid then my sisters because I couldn't do things as good or whatever, and I always remembered that poem kind of as a confermation of that feeling, that I WAS different. But I didn't remember the end of it at all. And it makes me happy. :)
Oh, and this one's always been one of my favorites, it's so... me. Still, at 15 going on 16!
- Anna At Eight
- Anna at eight
- (today, hurray)
- looks out from the safe place
- she has made behind her face,
- and I wonder, sometimes, what's going on in there
- behind the lid of her look,
- what's stirring behind her stillness?
- I suspect, like a deep night sky,
- hidden behind clouds,
- there are stars and constellations, nebula, and globular clusters
- and whole galaxies
- growing, glowing, burning bright back there.
- I am always surprised when a smile
- falls like a comet,
- and her eyes come fully alive, alight,
- and she says something so full of insight
- that it washes over me in sparks of delight.
- And I want to say,
- "Oh, here's Anna,
- come back from wherever she lives
- for another visit.
- How nice to see you again!"
- And it always is.
- Anna at eight.
- Already a master of the feminine mystique.
I like to think I visit a little more often then I did then, but hey, master of the feminine mystique! ...oh yes. :P